Grief is an intrinsic part of life. The capacity to which we feel it, is a gateway to greater joy.
The deeper the sorrow, the greater the joy
William Blake
Our western world, incessantly noisy and busy, leaves little time to feel and integrate this essential part of being human. It’s too easy, ingrained in our culture, to avoid our most painful feelings.
We are taught to fear grief. The sense that, if we truly allow it, we will be engulfed, never to emerge on the other side. It is true that grief can render us feeling temporarily insane. There will undoubtedly be moments where it overwhelms, leaving one stricken in the most unsuspecting moments. But “grief is, itself, a medicine” (John Cowper) and to feel it is the only way through.
Grief is, itself, a medicine
John Cowper
Maybe you were conditioned to keep such strong emotions private. On many occasions I have hidden my grief, isolating from the world. Only to find true respite, and sanity restored, when allowing myself to be held by another in the depths of despair. Francis Weller writes in his stunning book The Wild Edge of Sorrow: “Grief is an intensely interior process that can only be navigated in the presence of community. It is the solitary journey we cannot do alone.” Never have truer words been written.
Loss has been a theme in my life. Born into a grieving family, my twin and I arriving earth side just nine-months before my older brother passed away with Leukaemia. I absorbed the complexity of this conflicted environment into my nervous system – the contrast between the joy of new life, and the tragic loss of a child. I witnessed time and again, my mother reduced to her knees from the pain.
Whilst I experienced other significant losses over the years, nothing could have prepared me for losing my mother and grandmother, within seven weeks of each other. What I learned in the two years since, is that grief is not linear. It does not have a time limit, and how it manifests in each of us is different. To be truly held in our grief is the only way to access its depths.
To hold grief in, is to stagnate and become rigid in our bodies. Feeling heavy with the burden of what hasn’t been expressed, it will begin to manifest, over time, in health issues. Grief is stored in the body. You might notice physical sensations such as a heaviness in your chest, an ache in your heart, pain in your body, constriction in your throat, stomach upsets, headaches, fatigue and even dizziness. It is a visceral experience.
How do we create space for grief?
Let go of shame, and the impulse to isolate yourself
Yes, our deepest emotions are messy. But they are nothing to be ashamed of. A natural part of the human experience, times of grief are when we most need community. The nurturing touch and compassionate care of our loved ones.
Not everyone around you will know how to respond, but it isn’t your responsibility to filter, or moderate yourself for the benefit of others. Your responsibility at this time, is to take the greatest care of yourself.
Community and Support
There is an increasing range of support available when navigating bereavement. Whether in groups or a one-to-one setting, there are talking therapies, spiritual and religious ceremonies, and compassionate coaching containers.
Having experienced both talking group therapy, and attending, a gorgeous Grief and Gratitude Ceremony, I can honestly say that both had their divine place on my journey.
Whatever your spiritual or religious beliefs, both ritual and ceremony can be wonderful ways to support you. They can be a space to honour those who have passed, and to fully express your grief. The love you have for the departed that now has no place to go.
Feel into what feels right for you, and really notice if fear, or even shame holding you back from leaning into these options.
Sound, Movement and Rest
Grief is a physical journey as much as an emotional one. The two are intrinsically linked.
As you move through the different stages of grief, there is an invitation for you to regularly check-in with yourself and ask, “what do I need in this moment?”
If you’re feeling the weight of exhaustion, perhaps your body is calling you to deep rest. How can you honour this calling and postpone or delegate as many of your responsibilities as possible. Can you create a nurturing space that offers comfort as you surrender to deep rest?
In the face of anger and rage, it can feel all consuming, especially if you have no outlet for it. How can you create this outlet, in a way that doesn’t cause harm to you or others? I often use a practice of shaking my body (like animals in the wild after a conflict). Sounding your anger through shouts or using a pillow to scream into is also a helpful release. Move and sound as you feel called to.
Coming back to your breath
The amount of energy it takes to navigate grief is immense. It can be easy to let self-care slide at such difficult times. Yet, here I am, inviting you to resource yourself first and foremost.
Coming back to your breath, with an intentional practice is an incredible way to resource your body, and deeply healing.
Using techniques such as Conscious Connected Breathing can help. Try this practice for yourself:
- Find a position where you feel open and relaxed in your body, with your chin slightly tucked.
- As you breathe, either through your nose or mouth, begin to eliminate the pause between inhale and exhale.
- Make your inhale a little longer, focus on this and allow your exhale to happen naturally, possibly adding a sigh if that feels good.
- Stay with this breathing pattern for a few minutes.
- Place a hand on your abdomen, allowing your breath to move into your hand; move your hand to your diaphragm and feel your breath here; and move your hand to your chest, noticing your breath coming into each area of your body.
- Allow your breath pattern to either have equal inhale/exhale or have a longer exhale for a more calming effect.
Stay with this for as long as you feel called. You may experience a release of emotions during or afterwards. Allow the tears to flow, to help the emotions move through your body. Notice how you most likely feel lighter afterwards.
Final words Everyone’s grief journey is unique. However, yours unfolds, can you find the surrender, self-compassion and patience? Can you create space and time when your heart and bod
Article by Carli Thorpe
Published in farewells Edition 18
