Don’t wait until I’m dead and gone, to say how much I mean!
Until you lay me down to rest beneath the grass so green.
Don’t gather round with teary eyes and say you’re sad I’ve gone,
When you tell the others present how my memory will live on.
It’s too late then for me to care what you all thought of me.
I cannot hear the words you say, I’m sure you will agree.
So, tell me soon before I go, what I have meant to you.
Don’t hesitate, no holding back, I’d love to know it’s true!
I want to have a party now, while I am here to share
the memories you have of me and hear how much you care.
In 2010, I conducted a funeral for a family. Seven years later, I was contacted by the man’s stepdaughter to say that her mum was thinking about her own funeral and wanting to plan it for when the time came. So, would I visit her and help her?
They had moved from Northampton where I lived and were now in Eastbourne. Naturally there was a fee for me to visit and travel but once agreed, I travelled to meet them. We had a lovely time together, talking about her life, choosing music and planning what she wanted for her final celebration. We chatted for over three hours and had tea and cakes (well, that is obligatory!) and put all her wishes down for when the time came.
“You know, Peter, the thing that annoys me is that I will have to be dead before this happens and I won’t be there to hear all the nice things that, hopefully, my family and friends will say about me!” she said.
“Well, Heather” I said, “you don’t have to wait and miss out. Why don’t we have a ‘living funeral’?”
I went on to explain that it is just like doing ‘This is your life with all your favourite music, a slideshow/video of the important times in your life and an opportunity for your friends and family saying what you mean to them.
She and her daughter both thought this was a great idea and so I left them to work out when and where they wanted to do it.
Oh yes, one final important element, all the arrangements were to be done without Heather’s knowledge.
The date, time and location were chosen. A Saturday, in the school holidays, at a hotel on the front in Eastbourne. It would happen late morning, there would be drinks on arrival and then after the ceremony, there would be a lunch for everyone followed by a party that went on into the evening.
I travelled down the night before to meet them, to check all the final details, and then on Saturday morning, the adventure began.
All of Heather’s family and friends had been given strict instructions to arrive for 11.30am, so that everyone was ‘in place’ for Heather’s arrival at midday. Heather believed they were going out for lunch at the hotel as a treat – something her daughter did from time to time, so no suspicions were aroused. We had arranged with the hotel on her arrival, the manager would explain that the work being done in the restaurant was unfinished and so they were using one of the banqueting rooms until the work was completed.
And so, with all the family and friends in place – the scene was set.
At midday, the door opened, and Heather walked into a room filled with her family and friends who all stood to greet her with a standing ovation. Over the next hour she sat with a grin that put the Cheshire cat to shame as her friends. Her children, and her grandchildren came to the microphone and told her how much she was loved by them all.
It was such a wonderful celebration of the life of a wonderful and much-loved lady. During lunch, we had left a place for her at every table so that she could move round to greet everyone.
It was splendid in every way and during the evening Heather had the time of her life chatting with everyone. When she left at around 8:30p., she had a smile on her face that apparently lasted for all the next week. With tears in her eyes she said, “Do you know that this was the first time ALL my family and friends have been in the same room together. It was just lovely!”
Her daughter told me later the whole experience had given her mum a fresh lease of life. When after several years, she finally died, the family had a simple direct cremation because they didn’t need a funeral having had the celebration with her when she was alive.
This is how Direct Cremations really make sense. As for cost, the whole thing with the hotel celebration and the direct cremation worked out to be about the same as a traditional funeral would have done.
If you are considering a living funeral, download our guide and start planning today.
