Celebrant-led ceremonies are becoming more commonplace now, as families seek less formal or religious ceremonies in some cases. However, did you know that celebrants are in fact able to offer a range of services which can also include religious prayers or additions if you like?
Whilst humanists offer completely non-religious ceremonies, celebrants can combine rituals and rites from an array of belief systems in both funerals and weddings. While I have conducted a variety of unusual ceremonies, from a doggy knighthood for a beautiful dog who was badly abused, to Pokémon and Lord of The Rings-themed weddings, funerals are in the main less quirky. That being said, I have had some very unusual requests for songs in my career as a funeral celebrant, such as the theme tune from Only Fools and Horses, to Rod Stewart’s Do’ya You Think I’m Sexy – yes, this was a real request and I have to say, was also that of distant family members funeral. Speaking amongst other funeral celebrants, those song choices are not that out of the ordinary with She Taught Me How to Yodel by Frank Ilfield being a common request from a grieving family.
Funerals are inevitably very sad occasions, but adding a spot of humour can sometimes bring a family together as they look back at fond times with loved ones through photo slide shows or outlandish anthems played during a service. Death affects us all but adding something personal or even slightly unusual can make a service memorable for all the right reasons.
A few years back, I conducted a funeral for a young lad who was a graffiti artist. He was very talented but was terminally ill with a debilitating disease. Art allowed him to express himself and share his emotions with the world, through spray paint. When the pallbearers carried the coffin into the chapel, there were smiles all around and tears of course, as a beautifully spraypainted casket was carefully lowered onto the catafalque. The entire congregation knew that it had been designed to honour the young man. He would have loved it.
It is a privilege to be an integral part of such a special day, celebrating life and love in so many different ways. I am often called upon to conduct funerals for those who have connections to Ireland or who were Catholic but no longer practiced, due to my Irish heritage. Most funerals have the same format but being able to understand where a person came from, their values, and the correct pronunciation of certain towns and cities is really important to family members.
When I first conducted an Irish wake, I hadn’t known the difference between an Irish and Scottish piper! Nevertheless, it was a beautiful service with traditions intertwined with long-held Irish belief systems making the day all the more special.
Faith may have changed a little in the UK and Ireland as have family dynamics. Divorce for example, is less frowned upon and families are becoming more ‘blended’ and geographically ‘spread-out’. This doesn’t mean that family members can’t honour a loved one in the way they see fit, but planning a funeral with step-parents, siblings, and such can sometimes be a challenge.
One of the first-ever funerals I did was for a family who had a big divide. Many of the family members hadn’t talked to the deceased lady for many years. There was pain, resentment, guilt, love, and sadness all mixed up within the family unit. A celebrant’s role is to make sure everyone gets a chance to close a chapter and be supported in doing so for a funeral. Life is full of ups and downs and a funeral can be harder if relationships are or have been strained. Even if a relationship with a family member had been hard in their lifetime or before they died, a funeral is a chance to draw a line in the sand and say goodbye.
I lost a dearly beloved uncle a few years back. He had fallen out with his best friend just a few years before he became terminally ill. We had all hoped that the friend would make an appearance at the funeral, but sadly he never showed. I was upset and angry back then, he had been a big part of our lives, he was like a second uncle to us. I thought he would have shown to support us as a family but alas, his pain must have been too deep. Sometimes doors are left unclosed and perhaps we never find an answer to some fallouts.
Grief is a very personal thing – some people react to grief with anger, some with recklessness and others may appear not to be affected by death at all. It is important to take time to grieve in your way. Visit a gravesite if you can or talk to a professional if you are struggling with a person’s passing. Never push your emotions to one side or lock yourself out. Funerals are designed to bring us together, to support one another through the most difficult time in life. There are people to help and if you are as old as I am, you will remember actor Bob Hoskins who simply said in a well- known TV advert for a phone company – “It’s good to talk!”
Article by Nicola Kelleher
