This whole experience brings to mind the Buddhist principle of impermanence – “everything we love, we will lose.” This certainly sounds morbid, but it’s not.
The implied other half of the question asks, “But they’re still here now, so what will you do about that?” What a magnificent question this is! I can’t emphasize it enough.
I think I’ve slowly come to the answer. I want to bring mindful presence to each moment. Not merely “Hi, how are you” interactions. But real, soulful connection. True intimacy.
To this effect, I have become more disciplined with my thoughts. When I’m meeting with someone I love and my mind drifts to unfinished tasks, I tell myself, “Stop. I will think about this later.”
In this way, “…death [and loss] keeps us – paradoxically – aware of whether or not we are fully embracing our lives” (Francis Keller, The Wild Edge of Sorrow).
This paradox of embracing death keeps us humble and raw. Most importantly, it keeps us grateful. Recently, I shared a long hug with a dear friend, and when we pulled away, I couldn’t stop smiling. When asked why I was smiling like an idiot, I said, “Because I’m happy. And very, very grateful.”
Though there will always be pain in any endings – certainly death – embracing this can be oh so transformative, if we let it.
Niki DiGaetano is a writer and passionate student of death work. She strives to bring a greater awareness of death dialogue – and its transformative power – to the public. This is why she created Numbered Days, a still-in-progress online resource for those seeking to explore the study of death and dying. Additionally, she is an end-of-life doula and is in the process of earning her Master of Divinity with a focus on hospice chaplaincy. You can find her hiking up a nearby mountain, honing her study of classical guitar, or scheming up the beginnings of a death-dialogue-related apparel line. Keep in touch on her Instagram, @numbereddays.death.ed!
Article by Niki DiGaetano
Article published in Edition 10.
