Have you ever been to a funeral and wondered what the service would have been like if no one had turned up?
You might well be surprised to know that plenty of funerals take place every day with no one in attendance… at least no friends or family.
After a short time of being a celebrant, I received a call from a Funeral Director asking me if I could officiate at a service. He then explained that there would be no one in attendance as the gentleman had died having no family or friends that could be traced. The only information I was given was his date of birth, where he was born and where he died. All the years in between were a mystery. His funeral was fully funded, so it was my job to ensure that he was given a fitting send off.
Where to begin?
He had no fixed abode, no one to whom I could speak and had died in tragic circumstances.
My first thoughts were how terribly sad it was that there was no one in his life who would be at his funeral, how could anyone not have family, friends or colleagues?
It turned out, that this is not at all unusual, I have subsequently officiated at many services with no attendees.
However, I think it is vitally important to know is that the funeral director and often the chapel attendants sit in, listen to the service and pay their respects.
Of course, what we never know is whether the deceased lived a good life, a difficult life, a double life, or a life in which they made poor choices?
Most funerals are full of tributes and personal anecdotes, remembering people who have achieved a lot and who were very loved. We all know this cannot be true in every circumstance.
Finding more information is time consuming. I have been fortunate to be able to find landlords, neighbours, local café chums, dog walkers and fellow smoking or drinking buddies for some funerals – it can be a very enlightening experience.
One particular woman seemed to have died penniless and alone but was in fact a friend to many. She had been a well-known fashionista and 60’s groupie. Her funeral date was changed and to my delight the chapel was full to the rafters. The coffin was showered with meadow flowers in a room filled with love.
Perhaps you’re wondering about the service for the man with no family and friends?
Well, I chose beautiful music, some lovely poetry and talked about the events he would have seen unfold during his lifetime. As I was new to officiating at a solo funeral, I was touched that both my mother and husband attended the service. The funeral director and the chapel attendant joined my family and so at least he had four people at the funeral.
I have realised that to die alone is not necessarily a cause for pity. Deeply private, reserved people often do not want their personal life revealed at the service. Not everyone wants eulogies and tributes. There are plenty of people in this world who comfortably and happily live a secluded life. The instinctive urge to honour the dead, to say farewell and celebrate their life isn’t necessarily what everyone wants or needs.
Perhaps we all know someone like this? A neighbour, someone you pass regularly in the shops, at the bus stop or in the park. They may avoid eye contact, recoil when asked questions and almost seek to appear invisible we all seek control on various levels. It is important to recognise that living a solitary life is very important to some people – as is a solitary funeral.
However, you live your life, you can be sure a respectful and honourable final farewell can be had.
Facts that you might like to know…
- When someone dies alone or unexpected, the coroner is called out.
- A contracted funeral director will then be summoned to collect the deceased and take them to the designated public mortuary.
- When the state pays for a funeral, it is called a Parish Funeral.
- If there is any money in the deceased’s estate, it will go towards the payment of the funeral.
- If the religion of the deceased is known, their faith will be taken into account. Perhaps this would have impinged on their choice of burial or cremation.
Celebrant
