It is almost impossible to predict how a child will react to death, or even if, to what extent, they are able to understand the complexity of this notion. We instinctively want to protect our children from pain, but grief is a measure of how much we have loved and we can’t eliminate that sorrow.
Instead, what we can do for our children, is teach them how to develop coping skills and allow them to share their memories bringing comfort and healing.
Compared to adults, the concept of time can be ‘warped’ for children. They can become confused with both short separations (that can feel like a much longer time) as well as longer separations (their memories of the separation can be stored for a substantial time).
Even children under two years old can indicate their awareness that someone is not around anymore. Most children aged five years and younger are not likely to understand that people do not come back after dying; that it is irreversible.
It is in a child’s best interests to not to come up with anything too ‘speculative’ when informing them of a loss; advising them that the person has ‘gone to sleep for a long time’ or ‘gone on holiday’, because their understanding can become twisted. The next time someone they know and love is travelling or falls asleep on the sofa after a long day, they could ‘tie’ this to the same outcome as their deceased loved one and attempt, in a panic, to either bring them back from vacation, or attempt to wake them up, believing they are going to be away for longer than expected. It is so important to avoid anything too metaphysical.
Discussing the afterlife can be tricky but can be used to an advantage, if conducted correctly. Some families follow a religion, so this can be explained for comfort. – If there is no family religion, creating a collage of photographs, memory box, making efforts to visit special places, or planting their lost loved one’s favourite flower can all be a great form of tradition to add to family life and helps enormously with the grieving process.
Children are commonlyfearful of losing a loved one again. They need reassurance that this is unlikely; that there is a high probability of loved ones being around for a long time – it confirms the security of their network. Knowing that other people, as well as their usual routines, such as having dinner at their school friend’s house every Friday, will stay the same is important. It helps keep things as normal as possible and should help reduce anxiety and subsequent clinginess.
It is important children are given the opportunity to express their feelings. They may not generally understand causes of death and can even believe that it could be their fault – that something they had done had ‘made them go away’. They need reassurance they haven’t done anything wrong, that it wasn’t their fault.
Recognising a child’s resilience is not as developed as an adult’s, that there are no learned coping-mechanisms in a child’s world. This means a child may seem like they do not care about the death of the mutual loved one. They may laugh, play and be their usual ‘silly selves’, which can be haunting for any parent – they haven’t forgotten, they just aren’t able to deal with these kinds of emotions for too long and so they have an instinctive method of switching off, to save themselves from the intensity.
Much like an overloaded plug socked which is too much electricity charged and the circuit breaker kicks in switching everything off. This prevents a fire – with a child, it prevents an overload, or even a breakdown. We all need a break from the outside world, and playing, as well as other creative outlets such as drawing, painting or writing should be stimulated, to provide an outlet for stresses and anxieties, as well as acting as a channel to express their feelings.
It is important to remember that if it isn’t apparent now, grief can resurface at certain stages in the future. So, be mindful of specific holidays and memorable dates such as Christmas, Easter, anniversaries or Mother’s or Father’s day. This is also pertinent with important events or achievements in their lives; changes in educational environment such as going to college, passing exams, winning a sports match or obtaining a big part in their school play, being teased at school or first boyfriend/girlfriend and subsequent heartbreak.
For special days, such as birthdays, it might be an idea to ask what they might like to do. These times can be quite delicate so don’t be surprised if your child expresses negative emotions such as anger. After all, for them, the person they loved is supposed to be there.
Sometimes, an appearance of disregard is a form of protection. Children can feel that they feel they need to ‘hide’ their grief and ‘be strong’ much the same as parents attempt to hide their grief from their child so as not to upset them. It is much healthier for both parties openly show their feelings; to grieve without shame or embarrassment and to share their feelings, and even worries.
Here at Tailored Yarn, we strongly believe that stories are a great vessel to preserve family memories helping children remember a relative they have loved and lost. Each individual is special enough to have a legacy, to inspire future generations, just by being the best versions of themselves.
With careful monitoring and encouraging conversation, parents can carefully ease their child through grief. We hope this article has provided you with some of the tools you might need to do this.
Kindest Regards,
Gillian Seale
CEO of Tailored Yarn CIC – www.tailoredyarn.co.uk
