There’s a saying that a funeral is: ‘Not a day in a lifetime, but a lifetime in a day.’
Think about that.
How do you possibly show all your love, share all your memories, express all your loss, in a single day?
When in doubt, most of us turn to experts for support.
The problem, post pandemic, is that there seem to be a lot more ‘experts’ in the funeral sector than there were before. As news programmes charted the inexorable rise in the number of COVID-19 fatalities, businesses failed and redundancies increased, people began to see a future in death. The lack of comprehensive regulation in the sector means it is up to you to identify which of them is going to be at your side throughout, comforting, guiding and supporting, and who’s simply looking to make a quick buck out of your grief.
Knowledge is power and following this three-step plan will help you weed out the imposters from the professionals.
- Choose your celebrant: At the heart of any funeral is the ceremony itself and increasingly, bereaved families choose their officiant before their funeral director. A good officiant is essential to turn your thoughts, memories and emotions into a fitting and unique ceremony that is true to your loved one’s memory. Unless you have a strong religious belief, a good independent celebrant is the best choice. But how do you make sure they are not going to palm you off with a ‘cut and paste’ type ceremony where it is only the name that is changed?
Check their training. One of the highest accredited qualification is NOCN Level 3 Diploma in Funeral Celebrancy. There are other training systems but the NOCN diploma awarded by Civil Ceremonies (CCL) guarantees ‘outstanding’ OFSTED inspected training and assessment and is a good indication of the celebrant’s training, competence and commitment.
Check their professional membership. This is another indication that they work to professional standards and, probably, that they are insured. There are several celebrant membership organisations but the Institute of Civil Funerals (IoCF) is the only one with Institute status (an indication of professionalism) and the only one dedicated to funerals. It’s worth making sure that, whichever organisation they belong to, there is a transparent complaints policy in place, just in case anything goes wrong.
Check their website and social media. Although celebrants are not required to publish fees on their website in the same way that funeral directors are, it’s a good sign of their transparency and commitment to you if they do. You’ll also get a feel for the type of person they are and the care they take – if their website is littered with errors, the ceremony might be too.
Discuss the funeral and your loved one with the celebrant before you make any other choices. A qualified and experienced celebrant will be able to suggest unique ways to celebrate the person you’re remembering through a themed funeral, a venue for the ceremony, a personalised coffin or even an unusual hearse, if you so wish. Equally, a good celebrant will create for you a simple, dignified funeral, with or without religious references, if that is your preference.
- Choose your funeral director: local recommendation is helpful but also look for companies that are members of the National Association of Funeral Directors (NAFD) and The National Society of Allied and Independent Funeral Directors (SAIF) both of which are an assurance that they work to professional standards and are regulated.
Find one that shares your vision for the day: don’t be afraid of speaking with several companies before making your choice. Talk through your ideas and select a company ready to adapt their business model to suit you.
Check fees: Funeral directors are now required to publish fees on their website but cheapest isn’t always best. For such an important event, you’re probably looking for value for money rather than the lowest cost.
- Plan in advance:Facing up to the death of a loved one, or even our own death, is difficult but we’re probably all a little bit more conscious of our own mortality following the COVID-19 pandemic. Leaving clear instructions for your family will make things much easier for them when the inevitable happens.
Research your choices: organisations such as The Good Funeral Guide (GFG), Funeral Guide (Funeral Guide) and the Natural Death Centre (The Natural Death Centre) have unbiased and objective information about how the sector works, pitfalls to watch out for and ideas for truly personalised funerals. You might even like to follow growing trends such as Community Funerals (CFS) which advocates a completely different approach to how we accept death in our lives.
Write down your instructions: making your funeral choices part of your Will is as close as you can get to a guarantee that your preferences are followed to the letter. Alternatively, leave a document, electronic or hard copy, where your family knows to find it. There are templates online that will help, including this one from the Quaker Society (Funeral Wishes) but remember that, unless these instructions are formally included in your Will, they could be changed after your death.
The huge majority of people working in the funeral sector are there because they are deeply committed to caring for and supporting bereaved families. You will find them – and avoid any less-savoury elements – by following the guide above.
But it also pays to consider your options sooner rather than later, because thinking straight in the wake of a bereavement can be so very difficult.
Every decision you make now is another step towards making sure your loved one’s lifetime is truly honoured one day.
Susan Flipping – Institute of Civil Funerals
