The typical eulogy is a speech that pays tribute to a family member or close friend during a funeral or memorial service.
If you are asked to deliver a eulogy, know that it can help you deal with your grief through sharing your feelings for the departed with the people who have gathered. It can help ease the burden of your loss.
Here is some guidance to help you write a eulogy that best expresses how you feel:
Writing the Eulogy
A eulogy is not a biography of the departed and you should not feel obligated to tell his or her entire life story. Instead, focus on what the person’s life meant to you and the others gathered at the service. Pick one of two attributes that show who the person was. More than that and they will lose their meaning.
While there is no set time for a eulogy, many are three to five minutes long. That translates into about 750 words. If you need more time, take it. Be conscious that the longer you go the less impact you may have.
Introduction
You don’t have to offer a standard greeting when you begin. You also do not have to introduce yourself unless there are people among those gathered who don’t know you. If there is any doubt, it is best to introduce yourself and describe your relationship with the departed.
Then you should introduce the attributes about the departed that you want to share. You can say simply, “I want to share how kind…” or some other adjective describing the departed.
Body of the Speech
Heartfelt eulogies tend to focus on special memories and stories. Think about occasions in the departed’s life that illustrate the attributes that you have mentioned. If the person was well-known for some personal trait, or habit, say so. Humorous stories might be relevant but be careful as humor may not work well with some people.
Keep in mind that this speech is a tribute. There’s no reason to include anything negative about the departed in a eulogy. Be aware that if you feel you cannot honestly speak about the departed in a positive way, it may be best to decline the opportunity to deliver the eulogy.
Ending
You can finish with a favorite phrase your loved one said frequently, an inspirational quote, or even a poignant poem. Leave the funeral audience with pleasant memories and a lasting appreciation of the deceased.
Practice and Get Feedback
After you finish a first draft, read it out loud. Things that read well when written may not carry the same tone or meaning, or are unclear, when spoken aloud.
If possible, practice delivering the eulogy in front of someone who can provide honest feedback. That person can tell you if the eulogy is clear and if the stories and memories you relate resonate the way you want. You will also have a better sense of which parts may cause your emotions to rise, so you are better prepared when you deliver the speech.
Incorporate your listener’s feedback and go over the draft again. It may several tries to get the eulogy to say what you mean.
Tips for Giving the Eulogy
Delivering a eulogy can be very emotional, especially if you aren’t accustomed to speaking in public, so here are some tips:
Practice as much as you can. The more you practice the eulogy out loud, the easier it’ll be to say it in front of the gathering. Adjust where you think they’re necessary.
Try to get a good night’s sleep before the service. Keep caffeine to a minimum and avoid alcohol before the service.
If you need to, feel free to hold a copy of the eulogy when you speak. It is better if you can memorize parts of the eulogy so that you don’t have to refer to your notes, as this can be distracting to the audience, but referring to your notes is not as bad as forgetting what you wanted to convey.
Don’t panic if you become emotional when you are speaking. Instead, pause and take deep breaths until you feel you can continue. Those in attendance will understand. Have a glass of water or tissues nearby.
Try to make eye contact with those gathered but if that causes your emotions to rise too much it’s OK to look away.
The Main Thing to Remember
Giving a eulogy can help you deal with your grief. Writing down and sharing your feelings about the departed will bring you comfort. Knowing that you captured how you felt about the departed can help you in ways that are hard to describe. In days to come you will be thankful that you took the opportunity to pay tribute to your loved one.
Bruce Rule is the author of Heartfelt Goodbye: How to Write and Deliver the Eulogy Your Loved One Deserves, a concise how-to-manual that guides a reader step by step through the process of writing and delivering a tribute to a departed one. He wrote the book after delivering the eulogy for his mother after her passing. For more assistance in writing a eulogy, refer to his book, available on Amazon in e-book and paperback versions.
Bruce Rule is the author of Heartfelt Goodbye: How to Write and Deliver the Eulogy Your Loved One Deserves, a concise how-to-manual that guides a reader step by step through the process of writing and delivering a tribute to a departed one. He wrote the book after delivering the eulogy for his mother after her passing. For more assistance in writing a eulogy, refer to his book, available on Amazon in e-book and paperback versions.
