You might think this is a story about death, but it is a story about life.
I’m sitting by my sister’s bed, catching myself not breathing. My mind seems to think that if I breath, this becomes real. If I don’t, maybe it’s not. But I must breathe, so I exhale and let go.
A wave of sorrow, strong like a tsunami, hits my system and there is nowhere to hide. Nowhere to run, I can only sit by your side and let it wash over me. I know I will live through it. I’ve been here before – next to the bed of close family moving on. I grew up in a loving family of seven, today we are three – it doesn’t get easier. I also know there is no way I would like you to continue, the pain in your body is too severe.
This whole disease has gone quick. Seven months ago, you told me you felt something wasn’t right with your body. You had been to two doctors were about intending to insist on a thorough examination. You were right, there was a disease growing in your body.
A few years back I had a friend said he had just been to the doctors with what he thought was a cold. It wasn’t, it was lung cancer and they gave him six months to live. He made it through three years. So, when you said the doctor had been pessimistic, you’re your diagnose, I still kept my hope.
It is a heart-breaking moment to realise your hope and prayers shifts from “I hope she will live” to “I hope this will go quick”.
So here we are, at the hospital with little time left.
I am holding on to your hand and to the tail of the tsunami of sorrow that I know will follow. A tail that transforms sadness to love. A tail that fills me with beautiful memories, with warmth and gratitude for all the time we have hade together; for all the times you listened; gave advice; made me laugh; made me feel loved, inspired and safe. My beautiful big sister. In this surreal moment, it all washes over me, almost as if I stop time and life itself and take a step out into another world. A world within our hearts, where there is peace and understanding. Here, I know this is not the end but a part of eternity. Here, there is no sadness, only love and universal connection.
This is what I want to share. The beauty that shows up in moments of life and death, if we let it. The poetic beauty in how fragile life is. The beauty of the circle of life; of life’s intensity; people we meet; places we see and nature surrounding us with its unapologetic splendour. But most of all the beauty of Love we have for one another.
In our busy days, connected to computers; filling our life with activities, we sometimes forget to stop and allow life to come to us, connect and lead the way. Instead, we try to control life by controlling our calendar.
Life is magical and beautiful when we allow it to happen. When we accept it as it is and move with it instead of trying to force it. Even in moments like this. There is a still and quite presence of being connected with a strong force of life. We can cry and be sad, that’s part of it but please don’t shut down your heart, your body, your emotions and your will to move on. It might feel like it all shuts down, like we can’t breathe, but we will.
I few days back, my sister said, “You know Maria, in the eye of death, looking back, life is so much easier than we make it”.
I agree. Our minds get caught up in how we think it ‘should’ be instead of letting life move us forward in its magnificent and magical capacity. When we accept life as it is, we can relax, breath and show up with an open and willing heart.
I know lots of situations feels unfair and unwarranted, especially when things like this hit us but what is even more unwarranted is if we don’t make the most of our life, when it is happening – the moments we have that are not in a room next to someone dying.
I send my love and heart to anyone going through the same. Remember we are all connected, we will all keep breathing and if you can, try and find the string of beauty and light in any situation. It will come, if we allow it.
So, here we are at the end of our road, sister to sister. I keep breathing because I can, soon you will not because you can’t. Right now, we wait.
Always loved, remembered and connected to!
Your sister
Maria
MARIA RINNÉ – A WAY OF LIFE
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