No two people are the same. So, it must follow that no two deaths are the same, and although there seems to be a growing trend towards many more funeral rites being identical; with the rise in popularity of the internet based Direct Cremation businesses, even here the individuality is often retained. Perhaps not in the act of cremation itself, but in the celebration or the ‘send-off’ that follows at a later date.
The scattering or interring of ashes can, in many ways, be far more meaningful than the quick half hour slot usually allocated at the local crematorium.
This spring has seen a significant increase in the demand for a simple and respectful cremation service. Not just from those affected by the virus directly, but from the many thousands of families who have had to look for a different way of holding the funeral under circumstances that have prevented the traditional ceremony taking place. And it feels as though we as a culture are rising to the challenge.
The cremations that have taken place, often attended only by a handful of immediate family members or in many cases, completely unattended, are instead being supplemented by planned celebrations and memorial events for later in the summer.
Unique funerals
One family have planned a day at the beach in August. There will be a picnic and plenty of Dad’s home brew as well as his famous Elderflower Champagne. Then as the tide turns, the grandchildren have been tasked with digging a shallow trench in the sand in the shape of a heart. Dad’s ashes will be scattered within the heart and as the tide rises, the waves will gently wash into the trench, leaving the sand smooth and pristine.
Another family are planning a walk together up on to the moors, where they plan to gather in a circle and ceremoniously scatter Grandma’s ashes to the four corners of the wind whilst sharing stories and memories of their lives together.
This reminds me of one ceremony we undertook a few years ago; the gentleman had a traditional religious funeral at the local crematorium and his widow, after 63 years of marriage, took his ashes home in a large scatter tube decorated with beautiful wildflowers and poppies.
The following week, we arranged for the local vicar to accompany us to the highest peak in the area overlooking the Somerset coast to the north, and the small village where the couple had lived their lives together at the foot of the hills against the shores of Bristol Channel.
The vicar did his job and in due course the moment came to scatter the gentleman’s ashes on the Beacon. That day in particular had a light southerly breeze and as is typical for that area of Exmoor, one moment it can be calm and peaceful and in the next a strong gust can spring up out of nowhere. As the quiet and gentle little old lady held the large scatter tube in both hands, the vicar removed the lid and broke the seal as she turned to pour the ashes onto her husband’s favourite scenic view. Predictably perhaps, the wind chose that moment to gust and snatched away his ashes, carrying them off horizontally in a general north westerly direction towards the coast. The frail and delicate widow turned to the elderly vicar and announced to everyone present in a rich Somerset accent … “The old bugger ‘ll be ‘ome before I am!!”
There is no right or wrong way to say goodbye as we close the door to a human life. We can leave the door ajar perhaps, but essentially the funeral rite exists to mark the passing of a loved one. An opportunity to pay our respects, demonstrate our love and share in our grief. It does not matter how this is achieved as long as it fits the memory, personality and character of the person who has died.
Personal funeral
The funeral director who has one ounce of judgment as to what is ‘right and proper’, is the funeral director who will be out of business in the not too distant future. There is no standard way to mark the end of a life. The undertaker’s ‘job’ is to listen to the family, guide them through the cornucopia of options that are available and find a path to building a ceremony that makes the perfect fit between the deceased’s life and values and the families’ memories and respect.
Thankfully, there are more and more young (and not so young) forward thinking independent funeral directors who are of a similar mindset; who have the passion and compassion required to bring us all into a new way of looking at death, not just ‘arranging’ a funeral but creating a meaningful and caring way to say farewell.
No two people are the same so why should their memorials be the same as well?
Resident Author
