The death of a much-loved family pet is very often a child’s first experience of death, so it is very important to get it right.
A recent study by Massachusetts General Hospital Research Institute states that 63% of children with pets experience this heart-breaking loss before the age of 7. It is also a heart break that I can relate to myself as I was a young child when my beloved dog Mandy crossed the rainbow bridge. This may explain why I am passionate about supporting families through this sad event as an adult.
The Pet Food Manufacturers Association estimates that approximately 59% of U.K households have a pet. That’s a staggering 17 million households providing homes to an estimated 51 million companion animals. The most popular species of pets are dogs at 12.5 million and cats at 12.2 million. The Pet Food Manufacturers Association estimate that 3.2 million households have welcomed a pet since the start of the pandemic.
But of course, pet bereavement is not species specific, and feelings of grief can also be experienced due to a forced separation. Some households have had to surrender their pets for rehoming due to changes in circumstances such as reduced income, job losses and relationship breakdowns.
We very often talk about the Human Companion Animal Bond (HCAB) but the bond between children and their companion animals can be particularly strong. There are many benefits to having a pet for children. Pets provide companionship and comfort to children, often acting as a confidante by providing friendship and a listening ear that allows a child to speak and be heard. Children learn responsibility and how to care for another living being. Health benefits are widely acknowledged as a reduction in allergies and stress and an increase in physical activity and exercise. Emotional benefits include increased self esteem and a reduction in feelings of loneliness. Pets can even help children with learning by providing a judgement free audience which encourages children to practice reading out loud.
Considering the support that pets provide to children throughout all the developmental stages of childhood and indeed adolescence, it should come as no surprise that the loss of such an important family member can impact children particularly hard.
It can be incredibly difficult supporting children whilst experiencing grief and other challenges yourself. So, what can you do to support children?
Please don’t use the phrase ‘put to sleep’ with young children. This can cause a lot of anxiety around sleep. They may become afraid of going to sleep themselves or afraid of their parents/siblings going to sleep in case they don’t wake up. The term ‘Crossing The Rainbow Bridge’ may be a useful alternative. This phrase comes from a beautiful poem by an unknown poet which is included below.
Be as age appropriate and honest as possible without apportioning blame to a vet. Saying the pet was sick & the vet couldn’t make them better can inspire anger in the child towards the vet. Anger is an extremely negative emotion which we want to avoid on top of grief. Plus, it’s not the vet’s fault.
With children returning to school, it may be helpful to inform their nursery or school teacher. Children do not have the same ability to self-regulate their emotions like adults so often their grief can come out in their behaviour. This gives the teacher the opportunity to support your child instead of giving them into trouble for ‘being naughty.’
Lead by example and don’t hide your own tears from your child. Let them see that it’s O.K. to cry and express emotions.
Encourage your child to talk or write about how they are feeling. Journaling can take many forms such as a diary, writing a letter to your pet or writing about happy memories. There are even companies who will create children’s books detailing a great adventure your child and pet may have had.
There are several things that you can do to memorialise your pets as a family. In addition to writing a story, your child could draw a picture of your pet. You could create a photo album of all your favourite pictures. You may want to gather all your pet’s favourite things together and put them in a memory box. A tree could be planted in honour of your pet and their ashes could be scattered with a few loving words spoken about how important and loved your pet was.
The Rainbow Bridge Poem
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….
Author unknown…
References
https://www.pfma.org.uk/pet-population-2021
The Pet Loss Lady, Wendy Andrew, is the founder of The Scottish Pet Bereavement Counselling Service and author of How To Recover From Pet Loss – Supporting You On Your Journey To Acceptance.
