The loss of a loved one is the most painful experience we’ll have in life. No matter the circumstances, it’s not something we can fully prepare for emotionally, or mentally.
Once someone has passed on from this physical world, there is always the matter of handling the practicalities, and this includes what to do with someone’s material possessions.
If this responsibility falls on you, it can feel like an overwhelming and insurmountable task.
When my Mum and Nan passed away in close succession in 2022, me and my siblings shared this responsibility, and I was the ‘leader’ for Mum. She had lived on her own for a long time, in a small, one-bedroomed flat.
Whilst you might think this means she didn’t have much stuff; it was quite the opposite! It was packed in, and, whilst meticulously organized, it was mind-blowing and heart-wrenching.
So, what did I learn from this process that can help you navigate such a delicate task?
A rite of passage
On an emotional level, you might like to consider this ‘a rite of passage’. As a sacred task to be respected, approached with presence and mindfulness.
It became an important part of my grief journey. It was a key part of letting go and finding acceptance of the loss.
Approaching this rite of passage with an open and compassionate heart, whilst difficult, can help re-direct the over-spilling love, that would otherwise have nowhere to go. You might discover a new level of understanding for your loved one that you hadn’t anticipated. It can help you see them from a different perspective, perhaps finding ways to appreciate aspects of them that you couldn’t before.
This is a unique journey for everyone. If a rite of passage feels like the right approach for you, begin by considering how you want it to feel and be:
- What would feel supportive?
- What would honour your love and loss?
- What would feel respectful for all involved?
Perhaps ritual could be a part of this process.
Ritual
The definition of ritual is “a religious service or other ceremony which involves a series of actions performed in a fixed order.” Depending on your belief systems, this may, or may not include reference to religion or religious beliefs.
When it comes to grief, which can often feel chaotic, we can use ritual to help bring order to the chaos, and re-centre our hearts.
You might be wondering what this has to do with handling the practical side of someone’s belongings. Our social norms, certainly in the western world, can bring pressure to handle the aspects of bereavement in a certain way, thereby restricting your experience of grief. I believe it is possible to bring ritual to the practical elements, to bring warmth, heart and humanity back into what can otherwise be a de-sensitized process. I believe it can support the grief journey.
What does a ritual look like?
Creating a ritual is personal. It usually entails a beginning (opening), a middle, and an end (closing). Within it, you might include a sequence of words, actions, and gestures. It can be very simple, with the key ingredient being your intention.
Each time I went to my Mum’s flat, I would open the space before doing anything else. It would start with opening the windows and lighting a candle, placing it near a photo and an amethyst crystal – one of Mum’s favourite items. As I lit the candle, I would set an intention for the time I would be there. At the end, I would close the space, expressing gratitude, grief, or anything that I felt called to share. I would blow out the candles, close the windows to mark the end of the ritual.
It helped with feeling connected to my Mum, and helped me remain focused and connected to myself, which can be difficult in times of grief. It bought presence, compassion, and love to an otherwise practical process.
Ask for the right help
The task of sorting through your loved one’s possessions cannot be underestimated. It isn’t just a matter of having a clear out. These are the lifetime memories of your loved one, represented in material form.
It’s very important to not just have help, but to have the right help for you.
The first time I walked into Mum’s flat, I had no idea where to start. Luckily, I had a compassionate, and practical friend by my side. She set to work categorizing belongings, and gently giving me instructions: “Go to the bathroom and begin with toiletries, and I’ll begin grouping ornaments and photographs into piles”.
My nervous system immediately calmed as I realized how supported I was. I had different people provide support at each stage:
- Planning and organizing
- Decision making
- Physical re-distribution
Do you want someone to take the lead? Or do you just want to know someone is by your side? Do you need someone with emotional availability? Or just the practical aspects? Do you want different types of help throughout?
At the heart of this process, continuously ask yourself: What do I need? What would feel like the most nourishing support for me?
There is no right or wrong answer here. Only doing what feels right for you.
Keeping memories
One of the most difficult decisions to make, is what items to keep. You might want to hold onto every item that has a memory attached. Letting go can be hard and painful. One thing that helped me was remembering: my loved one(s) will always remain in my heart, and my family are in my DNA. That helped me choose more mindfully (and practically) what to keep and what to pass on.
When making this decision, it’s important to choose whether you want to have every day reminders filtered through your home, or whether (permanently or temporarily) you would prefer to have the items in a special box or space in the house. This way you can choose when and how, to connect with them.
You might also consider other ways of creating memories, such as creating a scrap book, or having some memorial jewelry made. You could even have a memory bear made from items of clothing.
Your grief, your way
Whilst this is a very practical aspect of bereavement, this article is intended to consider the emotional aspects involved, and how you can support your grief journey by integrating ritual, compassion, and mindfulness throughout.
Acknowledging and processing feelings of grief is normal and healthy. There is no time limit. There are no rules. The most important thing to remember is do it your way.
Article by Carli Thorpe
Published in farewells Edition 17
