Too often our clients will say “I shouldn’t say this should I, but that was a really good funeral”. It’s almost as if they are nervous to admit that they have actually enjoyed the service. Not much else is usually said and we simply add it to our ‘thank you’ list, an indication that all has gone well.
We all want to know that things have gone well, we want the reassurance that a good job has been done but when someone says “I shouldn’t be saying this but…” I ask myself ‘Why not?’ Why do we feel uneasy being pleased when all has gone well – we wouldn’t feel the same about a wedding, would we? Perhaps it’s because we associate it with an uncomfortable level of joy.
This gets me thinking or over thinking, as usual. Why do we have such reservation when it comes to dealing with death in our society? Surely how we deal with death is just as important as how we deal with life. Those trekkies amongst you will know where I stole that line from and those who don’t, can ask! Perhaps what they are trying to express is indescribable, the right words can be really tough to find, especially at a time when emotions run high and reactions can be adverse. Quite simply, people just don’t know what to say or how to say it.
Now, I’m not naïve enough to believe my saying all this will change everything overnight, change comes with time but we, as funeral directors, are starting to see a change in society’s approach to death. There is less of the Victorian top hat, pomp and ceremony, more of the personable approach. For example, I offer to adopt a different dress code for a green burial.
Generally, life is complex and everyone’s journey is individual with twists and turns along the way, some good and some bad, sometimes with faith or belief and sometimes without. Each life is special and should be treasured. Death has a huge impact on those around us so should our funerals not be special too, complex too, unique too?
Some of the ‘best’ funerals I have conducted have had real character about them, I’ve been asked to dress up as Gandalf the Wizard, I’ve led a family through a field all singing at the top of our voices, walking to the graveside for a full worship service with guitars etc.
What, you may ask, did all these funerals have in common?
Well, for one they were all heavily personalised by the families who were very much in the driving seat. They were informed and knew what they wanted and perhaps more importantly, what the deceased had wanted. They’d had the BIG Conversation, the one so many of us are scared to broach. And when they needed something, we as funeral directors, gave them the options and the space to make an informed decision. Ultimately though, it was they who pushed the boundaries by asking questions such as “Could you film the service?” “Can we play a song that Dad wrote during the committal?” Throughout the service, these funerals ooze character, there is no getting away from it – they are unique.
Of course, traditional funerals still have their place, they can be highly personal too, just in a different way. Sometimes the smallest, most insignificant detail can make the biggest difference.
In the current climate of economic uncertainty and with funeral poverty growing as an issue each day, it is important to understand how we can make something special without it costing a fortune.
How can we do that?
So whether it is by simply placing a photo, sprinkling petals at the graveside, releasing balloons, choosing a coffin that best reflects that person’s life, a family member leading the service, breaking the boundaries and choosing the unconventional, we should remember that each life is special.
However you refer to us (funeral directors or undertakers), surely the important point to remember is that we ‘undertake’ to deliver the family’s very personal requirements.
Our lives are special and our funerals should be too.
Planning to say goodbye is important to those left behind, the funeral service is a huge part of the grief journey that follows loss, it is such a personal and individual process – some may shed a tear, some may have a stiff upper lip… How we say goodbye should touch the hearts of those we leave behind.
Article by Andrew Phillips
This article was orginally published in More to Death, the official magazine to The Natural Death Centre.
