Ten steps to the perfectly personalised funeral ceremony
Planning a funeral for a loved one is the saddest task you’ll ever undertake. But making it a unique occasion, in which their personality and character can shine, will ensure their memory is honoured in the best way possible. Here, Susan Flipping, from the Institute of Civil Funerals, gives a ten-step guide to making the occasion truly individual.
1.Decide who is going to be the main organiser
It’s wonderful when a family comes together to make arrangements for the last life event of a loved one. But most funerals happen within two/three weeks of a death. This is not a time to do everything by committee.
Decide on one person to be the main point of contact for everyone involved – family, friends and suppliers. Ideally, this is someone who is well-organised, with access to email and electronic documents, capable of taking on board and negotiating between everyone’s ideas and comments but strong enough to make a final decision if necessary.
It’s not an easy task but it can be incredibly rewarding.
2. Set a budget
Many of the costs associated with a funeral, such as official documents and the cost of cremation or burial, are unavoidable.
But many others are.
A funeral is like the last gift you can give your loved one and it’s easy to be drawn into spending thousands of pounds. But set a realistic budget and then explore ways to keep costs manageable.
Funeral directors must now, by law, publish a standardised price list but also get written quotes from all suppliers before engaging them.
3.Choose your officiant/celebrant
The majority of bereaved families still head-first for the funeral director. But funeral directors have little to do with the central part of saying goodbye – the funeral ceremony.
The person helping you create the ceremony is the celebrant or faith leader. Independent (civil) celebrants offer the greatest number of options, giving you complete freedom to have any kind of ceremony from religious to spiritual to secular, from traditional to fully themed.
The best place to find them is through their professional organisations. The Institute of Civil Funerals (IoCF) is the one dedicated solely to funerals and you can search on its website for celebrants in your area.
4.Consider a venue
You can hold a funeral ceremony at any suitable location, even your own back garden. Of course, a crematorium or cemetery chapel or church has all the advantages of convenience. But there are other options.
Owners of places such as hotels and village halls are now welcoming funeral ceremonies to their properties.
Some funeral directors have their own chapels with no time restrictions where you may even be able to decorate to your choosing.
If you want to use a crematorium chapel, don’t feel you have to choose the most local. There might be one a little further away that is more attractive or that offers longer time slots.
5.Choose a funeral director
With a budget set and a celebrant and venue in place, now is the time to contact a funeral director. It may seem counter-intuitive to have them fifth on the list but, by taking control of key decisions beforehand, you’re now in a better position to have a completely personalised funeral ceremony.
Funeral directors who are members of the National Association of Funeral Directors or The National Society of Allied and Independent Funeral Directors are committed to professional standards.
6.Transport
Most funeral directors offer a black hearse to transport the coffin to the funeral as standard. But, if you want something different, you can choose a horse and carriage, a motorbike and sidecar, a ‘Delboy’ Reliant, a pushbike, a tractor – imagine it and it’s probably possible.
7.Coffin
A cardboard coffin gives you the opportunity to go really personal.
With a cardboard coffin, you could, for example, paste photos of your loved one to the outside. You could attach messages of love and memories from family and friends. You could have marker pens available during the ceremony itself and invite people to write their message on the coffin.
Alternatively, you could choose a coffin that matches the interests or the personality of the person who has passed away. Football, gardening and travel-themed coffins are available as are, for the person who brought light to your life, sparkly coffins.
8.Words, music and actions
Your celebrant will spend time with you to find out about you, your family and your loved one so that they can write words for the ceremony that are absolutely unique to you.
But a ceremony can be personalised in other ways.
You can choose music that you know your loved one appreciated or that expresses how you feel at your loss. Pre-recorded music is convenient but live musicians or singers make the ceremony really special.
Remember that actions often speak louder than words and a professional, experienced celebrant can suggest additional elements to the ceremony, such as a candle-lighting, or alternative elements that symbolise spirituality or the continuing connection between the living and the person who has died.
Instead of traditional funeral flowers, how about picking flowers and foliage from yours or your loved one’s garden? Or, instead of a wreath, place something unique to them on the coffin. Consider a well-worn cap, a favourite dress, a tea-pot and cup or even a packet of favourite biscuits.
A carefully chosen item is really meaningful for everyone at the ceremony.
9.Webcast
One of the benefits of a ceremony at a crematorium chapel is the ability to livestream to family and friends via a private, secure link.
In a different venue, you can still use mobile devices and platforms such as FaceTime and Zoom and your celebrant can suggest ways in which you can engage people watching at a distance so that they feel personally involved.
10.Visual tribute
Is there anything more personal than lots of photographs of your loved one? Most crematorium chapels have a screen to show slideshows and videos.
Or think about setting up boards and asking mourners to bring a favourite photo with them. They’ll encourage lots of memories and you might even discover new stories about the person who has died.
Arranging a funeral is always going to be distressing. But follow these tips and you know that you will create the best possible last life event for the person you love.
Susan Flipping
