“I just want to go back to the way things were.”
“When will life return to normal?”
These are phrases I often hear when speaking with people who are navigating grief. I said them countless times myself in the months following the loss of my mum and nan in close succession.
The truth is, the loss of a loved one changes you forever. It’s a gradual transition that unfolds throughout your grief journey, from the day-to-day practicalities, through to the less obvious, and (initially) imperceptible internal changes. Whilst incremental, the impact is fundamental.
There is the life you had and the person you were before the loss. And there is the life you create and the person you become afterwards.
Notwithstanding the fact that you have lost someone you love, and the deep yearning you have for them to still be here, your nervous system is also programmed to revert to what is familiar.
Familiarity is programmed within each of us as ‘safe’. So, in addition to the pain of loss, your nervous system also desperately wants things to go back to the way things were, to have some kind of familiarity restored.
It can feel like chaos, and that’s because it is. Your world has been fundamentally changed forever.
Coming to terms with this unavoidable fact might feel impossible. But I’d like to reassure you that over time, you will. It’s not something that can be forced, but it will happen.
I feel that this aspect of grief is less talked about and is hard to comprehend without experiencing it. I wish someone could have helped me make sense of it, reassuring me that it was completely normal. I could only really see what had happened with hindsight.
Creating your new normal
What I share here is a perspective outside of the common models of the grief process. They are all extremely valuable, and if you’re anything like me, understanding the process and the different stages really helped me. That said, I also want to zoom out a little further and provide a broader perspective.
We are each the centre of our own universe. Within our universe, there are our loved ones orbiting around us, each on their own trajectory, but interrelating with us, all affecting one another. Each person’s energy field affects that of the others. Our lives intertwined physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Simply by being present in one another’s lives, we are impacted.
Imagine then, when one of these loved ones suddenly disappears – your entire universe needs to re-organise. There is a gap where they once were. A void within you and a void within your life.
The new order of things and the next iteration of you, needs time to emerge from this chaos.
Does this seem like a strange analogy? Consider the quote attributed to Jim Rohn that “you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with”. If these five people make up a significant proportion of your universe, and you sadly experience the loss of one of them, then it is only natural that change is on the horizon.
How do you know you’re on this journey?
If you’ve experienced a recent bereavement of someone close or influential, then you almost certainly are.
How long it takes, and what it looks and feels like will be unique to you. That said, I hope these indicators are helpful and provide some clarity. I don’t know about you, but even the tiniest amount of clarity felt helpful amongst the chaos I was feeling.
You will most likely be feeling big emotions, such as overwhelm, anguish, sadness, anger, guilt and helplessness. But alongside this, you might also be having big thoughts and asking big questions, such as wondering who you are without your loved one in your life. Maybe you feel a void within your very being, like a part of you is missing. You could be asking yourself what you’re going to do with your life now.
All of this is an indication that you’re in transition.
How to support yourself
There is very little to do in a tangible sense of the word. The change within will be a natural outcome. But that doesn’t mean you are helpless. There are ways to support yourself as you grieve and change.
It is best if answers to these big questions are not forced, and that big life decisions are placed on hold whilst you re-establish your new foundations. There is a fine balance between pushing and allowing at these most difficult times in your life.
If I can offer any words of wisdom from my own experience, then it would be these:
Support your nervous system:
You have experienced a shock to your nervous system, and you might need to incorporate new practices to help you regulate again. Reaching out to a friend, taking walks in nature and splashing your face with very cold water can all support your nervous system to regulate, along with intentional breathing and creativity practices.
Practice patience and self-compassion:
Each day will feel different. There will be days where it all feels too much and you need to retreat, hiding under the duvet. There might be days where you want to bury yourself in busy-ness. And everything else in-between. I invite you to find moments to breathe patience and compassion into every cell of your body whilst you go through this transition.
Connect with your faith & trust:
This looks different for everyone, and at times of grief we may lose our faith, feeling helpless and lost. Even if you can find the tiniest thread of connection to that which is greater than you, see if you can reach for it, planting seeds of hope within your heart, ready for new growth.
However this unfolds for you, please know that you will naturally emerge, one day noticing that you feel more whole again, with hope and meaning restored and your new ‘normal’ established.
Article by Carli Thorpe
Vitality Naturally – www.carlithorpe.com
