As a funeral director, I understand it is extremely important the bereaved feel protected and guided by those arranging and conducting the funeral of their loved one. Understandably, they can feel vulnerable, even numb from the effect of their loved one’s death. They may even ask for help as they move onto the stage of grieving that follows the initial impact of death – preparing to say goodbye to the body of the person.
For many preparing for a funeral may be a new experience, they may not be aware of the procedures surrounding it. Even if they have previous experience, each funeral service is different just as every bereavement is unique and the requirements and preferences can differ.
For example, some of the ‘exit music’ I have organised has ranged from Stormzy to ‘Hookie Street’ (the theme to ‘Only Fools and Horses’) and everything in between. Some families and friends may want to take all the time allocated to them by the crematorium or cemetery with music, poems and eulogies, whereas others may want to get the service over and done with as quickly as possible.
It is our role as funeral directors to be alongside them, gently guiding and making suggestions in the context of the funeral (such as representing the hobbies and interests of the loved one in the service); and to represent the wishes and character of the deceased person.
It is important to see this relationship as a triangle, all three sides work together closely for the benefit of those who are mourning.
It goes without saying this partnership must work well as there are no dress rehearsals for funerals.
The first side of the triangle is the funeral director with whom the bereaved will have the initial contact. Making preparations to bid farewell to a loved one’s body is an emotional, often stressful time. The funeral director will place them at ease and guide them through the inevitable administrative tasks (such as completing the forms) required by law to be completed. The funeral director will accompany the family and friends through the entire process offering examples of coffin styles, liaising with the crematorium or cemetery for a mutually convenient date and time for the family, the possible viewing of the body and eventually attending the funeral (ensuring that the mourners’ wishes are achieved) and (where requested) the collection of the ashes. It is not an exhaustive list and each funeral will be different as each family has its own characteristics and circumstances.
The second side of the triangle is the officiant, whether it is the celebrant or minister of religion, whose role is to liaise closely with the funeral director. The officiant’s role involves meeting the family to discuss the content of the funeral service. They are able to converse with the family or friends in their natural setting. This often happens at their home, although the conversation may also be by videocall or telephone. It gives the family or friends the opportunity to relax and talk naturally about their loved one, share memories and show photos of the loved one. It also gives those who are grieving time to talk about the life, the history and the character of the deceased person. The content of the service that will reflection of the life lived in a very personal way.
If required by the family, the funeral director and officiant will collaborate in putting an ‘order of service’ together. They help people follow the service and are also a nice keepsake. It is the coordination between the two that will ensure the body is respectfully transported to the chapel and the officiant will conduct the service the mourners have requested.
And the third side? The staff at the crematorium and cemetery, who (amongst other things) arrange for the music that will be played, for the catafalque to be in place or the grave to be dug, and (especially during the times of Covid-19) for the chapel to be sanitised. They also have a place in the sight of the mourners as they perform their duties professionally and with respect, checking the details on the nameplate, providing hand sanitiser and ensuring the closing of the curtains or the provision of the webcast are in good working order
When the three sides of the triangle are working well and interacting professionally with each other, the family and friends are protected and so equipped to move on in their grieving process.
Without realising quite what has been involved ‘behind the scenes’ It is with gratitude that the mourners can leave saying that ‘It was a good service’ after bidding farewell to their loved one for the last time and can carry those feelings into the rest of their lives.
Andrew Drury
