Is It Okay For Children To Attend a Funeral?

Is it appropriate for children to attend funerals – or should they be shrouded from death and become a ‘forgotten mourner?’  As someone reading this article… what age were you, when you attended your first funeral – assuming that is – you have.

Losing someone close to you, someone you perhaps loved, regardless of your age, is extremely painful, hard to accept and difficult to fully understand.  Often, death can plunge families into utter chaos and confusion, leaving normal activities of daily life suspended, in limbo or neglected entirely and that is just the adults!

Years ago, death was managed in the home by the entire family.  The deceased were washed and cared for in the home, and the family would pay their last respects – including the children in the home.  Nowadays, death and dying, predominantly happen anywhere other than in the home and the dead are cared for and stored by complete strangers.

Arguably, funerals can be very distressing and emotional, not just for children but for adults too.  While every family has its own traditions and beliefs, that often play a vital role, in the funeral planning and decision process, they are little help to parents when determining what is the right or wrong thing to do for their children.

The difficult decision of children’s attendance can be further complicated when adult members of the family have differing points of view on the subject. Parents often discourage children’s attendance for fear of them being disruptive, misbehaving and noisy or parents mistakenly believe; children are not allowed to attend. Is there a way that children need to behave at funerals or shouldn’t they just be encouraged to be themselves?  After all, funerals are open to the general public, so shouldn’t the children of the family be allowed?

In my experience, children, of all ages, behave extremely well at funerals. You may get the one running around or curiously touching the coffin, but generally, their presence, although sometimes surprising, never offends and often enhances a funeral, adding another dimension to the occasion.  In my opinion, it is the adults that often need a lesson in how to behave and show a little respect.

More and more, I am finding that we seem to be living in a world where adults want to overprotect children, not just from ’bad’ things but from absolutely everything, from being bored, to coming last on sports day. … The sheer thrill and emotion of winning have long been buried. When it comes to funerals, many parents still choose to protect their children from what is fundamentally a natural process in the circle of life.

Generally speaking, younger children do not seem to have the fear of the deceased or a dead body, that adults think they do… perhaps it’s the adults that are fearful?  Children, once they are involved, included and given an explanation about death, dying and funerals, fair surprisingly well.

However, children who become the ‘forgotten mourners’, i.e. ignored, dismissed and not allowed to go to a funeral, can inevitably, feel left out, abandoned or even resentful for not being given the chance to understand or to say goodbye … some might say, increasing the risk of emotional issues in later life. Imagine, for a moment that you are a child… what thoughts might run through your head? “Can I not go because I’m not good enough?”… “Is this a punishment?” … “It’s my fault they died?” …”I must be a bad person or  maybe they didn’t love me?”

Perhaps the best decision to be made by parents for their children, is to give them choices.  After all, a funeral offers the opportunity to emotionally and physically ventilate feelings, it can generate support, provide some sort of meaning and can be very effective in aiding the grieving process, especially if a child’s participation is encouraged.

In all cases, regardless of age, children need simple and honest information when someone dies.  They can then begin to try to process and understand what has happened, as much as is possible, for them.

Older children, who have some understanding of death, dying and funerals, are often given the choice to attend or not, which appears, on the whole, to be respected.  Younger children, it would seem are overlooked… to be seen and not heard!  It is fair to say that people, including children, grieve in many different ways, so parents should not mask feelings, emotions or behaviours, they should not put on a brave face, or hold secret talks, just because they believe that children are too young to understand or be included.

Children need to know that adults feel things too, that it is normal and above all, it is OK to cry, to feel lost, confused or even angry when someone dies.  If nothing else, seeing vulnerable adults enables children to see, that although things seem tough, you can pull through.  As a celebrant, I always encourage parents to take their lead from their children and reassure them that if the child wants to attend ….to let them, even if they do not understand what is going on bur they will feel part of it … never make a child attend.  I also encourage parents to make sure that children know, it’s OK too, if they don’t want to go to a funeral.

There are many charities, child bereavement agencies and an overwhelming number of books and internet sites that offer parents help, advice and guidance on children attending funerals. Most agree that with adequate preparation, it is fine for a child, of any age, to attend a funeral, if they want to. As with most things in life, it is all about preparation and ground work and that responsibility ultimately falls on the parents and sometimes the child’s wider family.

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers … every family situation is different and personal to them, so understandably, it is a dilemma that parents face, only when and if they have to.  Now, more than ever, there are no right or wrong decisions to be made when trying to decide whether a child should attend a funeral or not … just what is right for the individual child.

Don’t make your child or children, ‘forgotten mourners’… encourage them to have a healthy understanding of death and that it is an inevitable part of being alive.  Most of all, give them permission to grieve, however, whenever and wherever they want.

Here are some things that you can do to help your children.

• Ensure that your children understand the concept of death. That they understand the body stops working, it doesn’t need food, water or air and it can’t feel pain.
• Children take things literally, as they don’t know any different, so avoid using expressions such as ‘lost your mum,’ as they may try to find her, or ‘mum’s gone on a journey,’ as they might think she is coming back!
• Let your children know the purpose of a funeral… that it is a special event where everyone can remember and think about the relationship they shared with the relative that has died and it enables people to say goodbye.
• Let children know what it will be like at the funeral i.e. adults may be crying because crying can help you feel better, if you are sad. If it is OK for adults, children will think it is OK for them… also, explain that adults may laugh too.
• Perhaps encourage your child to attend the funeral with a family member or friend who is happy to leave the funeral, should the child feel overwhelmed or the need to leave.
• Where children are deemed capable of understanding, it is helpful to give them a choice about whether to attend. Then children will not be prevented from doing something that they feel would have been helpful.
• Involve children with the preparations for the funeral… they could decorate the coffin, decide what they would like to wear, help choose the music or a poem, or write a letter.
• Ensure your children feel included and part of the whole process.

Article by Carol Anne Waters, 

Celebrant

This article was orginally published in More to Death, the official magazine to The Natural Death Centre.