Have you ever thought about what readings you might like for your funeral? Beautiful words that epitomise or represent your life. Imagery that once spoke to your heart and then later will speak to the hearts of those remembering you. Or are you thinking about something meaningful to share yourself at a funeral or life celebration? How to express yourself, how to find the words to convey what someone meant to you, their quirks, their smile, and their values? Why not choose a poem or write one?
‘And when the earth
shall claim your limbs
then you shall truly dance’
Others announcing our impermanence as humans and adoration for one other:
‘she was but as a smile
which glistens in a tear
seen but a little while
But. oh. how. loved. how dear!’
Overall it feels like an acknowledgment of this person’s existence on Earth, a way of marking them immortal in words.
Poetry is not only found where we lay our dead. It can form part of either a religious or non-religious funeral service in addition to music, dance, eulogies or other manner of creative expression – part of this cultural ritual of honouring. Poetry can help serve to create a meaningful and individual celebration or reflection. The use of metaphor in poetry gives us an opportunity for openness and connection, through sharing in an indirect way, which might feel safer during vulnerable or sensitive times.
‘The Exequy’ was an elegy written by Henry King (1657) who was Bishop of Chichester from 1642. He wrote:
‘Till age, or grief, or sickness must
Marry my body to that dust
It so much loves, and fill the room
My heart keeps empty in thy tomb.
Stay for me there, I will not fail
To meet thee in that hollow vale’
Written for his deceased wife, King uses this traditional metric form, an elegy, which is a poem that shows the stages of loss. It starts with a passionate expression of sorrow, which can be likened to the searching, anger, denial and bargaining that is often present in grief. It moves on to admiration and appreciation for the person who has died, sometimes heroising, before finally ending on words of acceptance, consolation and reunion. Elegies differ from eulogies in that they are used to express feelings in verse rather than through story-telling, but funerals can be a space for both of these.
So why and how do we use poetry?
Words can muster powerful images and evoke emotion, so it can be cathartic to read, write and listen to poetry. It can be another element of the grieving process.
Often the language people choose in their poems can suggest that the presence of the person who has died continues in some way. Many poems chosen for funerals conjure up the sense that the bereaved maintain some connection and relationship with the deceased. In doing so it helps the person to adapt to their new situation, absent of this person, therefore creating meaning and recognition of love and a bond that never dies. We carry people within our hearts, always. I believe poetry does this; it can be a dialogue with the living and the dead and can allow people to live on.
The poem may even be in the first person, from the perspective of the deceased – suggesting that they know that life is not the end. An example of a popular poem that is read at funerals is ‘Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep’ by Mary Elizabeth Frye, it starts:
‘Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints of snow’.
Nature is also commonly used in creating beautiful imagery that parallels the cyclical existence of life and death. We can witness these natural cycles and to think about this can somehow bring solace and normality around the subject. Our unspoken connection to the natural environment is therapeutic in itself and poetry often draws on this gem we are given, reminding us of the beauty in everything and in ourselves.
Every phrase and every sentence is an end and a beginning
Every poem an epitaph’
T.S Elliot
Writing your own poetry.
Have you ever felt you struggle to express yourself? Some people prefer to write and feel liberated through this therapeutic and creative experience. During bereavement, language might become more difficult and writing can be a release – I know when my grandmother died it was poetry that held me and helped me. To share something from the heart, felt important to me and it was a way of communicating that I hadn’t shared with my family, so was very moving. I sat down and tried to think about why I loved my Nan, what she was like, how she made me feel, the moments we had together. I looked deep inside and listened.
Creating our own poetry gives an opportunity to show our humanness, how our imperfections can bring humour ‘I loved the beauty of her smile, infectious, but not when she left her hair down the plughole!’ Poetry can be beautiful, honest, fun, uplifting – it can cover the whole fabric of human experience in a way that many other written forms cannot. It’s the simplicity of it that enables this, nuggets of charm.
Like the music you choose, poetry doesn’t have to be melancholic, it can be celebratory and joyful and can announce all that you have been grateful for. Mary Oliver wrote a poem called ‘Gratitude’ which was just that, asking questions of life. Why not adapt the poem for yourself, not only to step back and appreciate life, but also to share in death?
Mary Oliver asks:
What did you notice?
What did you hear?
When did you admire?
What astonished you?
What would you like to see again?
What was most tender?
What was most wonderful?
What did you think was happening?
I feel there is a misconception around poetry always needing to be threaded with technicalities. Anyone can be a poet if they speak from the heart – don’t get distracted by structure, rhyme, musicality. Honesty is the key. There’s nothing more beautiful. In the shared human experience of loss words can bring comfort.
Article by Sam
This article was orginally published in More to Death, the official magazine to The Natural Death Centre.
